Its been a while I paid visit to my blog, let alone writing one !
Past 8 months has been excruciating not just mentally (which I am mostly concerned about), but also physically and spiritually too. Yes I believe in the gratification of 3 dimensions: mental, physical and spiritual.
Physical: Struck with flu. Never realized how painful it was. Every joint in my body ached, couldn’t stand sometimes, felt as if my joint would snap and I will crumble to pieces.
High fever on and off, couldn’t sleep properly at night and yada yada. Lasted for about 3 weeks and I was drained off energy, enthusiasm in life. Affected my grades as working and going to school without any support of family (physically) is not at all as easy as I imagined before moving to US and starting program at School. Anyways, it’s in hindsight, so things are much better now.
Mental: Quit the company I was working for, then had to quickly find another job. The mental debilitation is because of the permutations and combinations which race through this f’g mind, though fact remains that only one of the ‘n’ possibilities is going to happen.
Though internally it is known that not much can be done by just thinking, still this mind gets out of control and wanders causing angst. Program was coming to an end and it is very difficult NOT to get caught in the race for bagging a good job. Though I started the program with an intention to get into a start-up or work in a non-corporate environment, things changed and it changed so much, that I found myself in the same rat-race for getting a job. I aint sneering about the act of finding a corporate job as something less than other acts, however I laugh at myself that I was so arrogant at the beginning of the program and felt as if things were in my control. Alas ! Once again I have been humbled and brought down to my knees. And I am not regretting for this, I feel inner peace whenever I am humbled and isn’t inner peace what we all want at the end of day 🙂
Spiritual: This thirst is something I have to consciously focus on to realize what am I really missing in life and what is it that gives me peace apart from the experiences I get in this world/earth/people. Just having that inquisitiveness itself for me is exploring the spirituality dimension. It is not about ethics neither judging what is to be done, though that can be a total different subject. For me spirituality is feeling that what I feel is not just about body or mind, but there is something more transcendent beyond this world. Might sound gibberish to you, however let me tell you — The best things most of the time cannot be articulated, expressed or conveyed. It is just FELT ! I would like to give the analogy of death. Only a person who has crossed the death line can know what it is . Nobody who crosses it can come back and say how it felt. That’s exactly how I believe the best experiences are. One can experience it, but cannot convey/articulate it.
Back to this earthly world — I did race too and finally got placed with one of the best corporate companies. A part of me feels victorious that I did race ahead of others, however another part of me says — well, is this something new you have done ? No ! its the same corporate job which you have done for years and the boredom brought you to school..isn’t it? Well that’s the negative side of my thinking. The positive side of my thinking is — I learnt so much at School that I have a totally different perspective of corporate environment and I feel more confident in terms of what to expect at job. In short I think I have a better handle on what to zoom-in (focus) and what to zoom-out(big picture) 🙂 So a sense of strange confidence and enthusiasm to move forward. And yes I am moving to another place, which itself is exciting.
Oh and herez the best- My family is visiting me for the graduation walk and nothing else in the world is more exciting to show-off before my family that I did achieve what many back in my place thought was a wild-goose chase in some aspects ! Again let me remind you once again, I am proud but not arrogant. By that I mean, if you as a reader felt “That’s not a big achievement, every one in the world does that”, well all I got to say to you is “Did you do it?” . If not, you really have to do it to feel what I say. If YES, I am sure you will not think in those lines.
Oh well, all in all ! I certainly do feel that it’s my day (until it is NOT). Cheers !